Subliminal Messages
The teacher pops a Valentines candy into his mouth, then stares at its wrapper before throwing it away.
Teacher: “It says I’m cool. Apparently. Does anyone ever read the messages on these things?” *pause* “Isn’t it weird how Valentines candies have messages? What if you could write your own?”
A student explains that you can create your own messages on M&Ms.
Student: “You can even put your photo on the M&M’s!”
Professor: “Okay, this is getting a little creepy.”
We’re Laughing Now…
Professor: “When I was young, I used to try to make jokes, and I couldn’t do it. I was miserable at it. Nobody would laugh. I was a self-conscious youth.”
The students stare at the teacher in disbelief, because of the Professor’s reputation for being one of the most amusing teachers on campus.
“But see, Adler would say it made me a better person because I kept trying until I succeeded!”
The Difficult Child
Professor: When I was an undergraduate learning to be a therapist, we got to watch kids from behind special windows, so that the kids didn’t know they were being observed. But I couldn’t get one of those easy jobs. No, my study assignment had to be stop the hellion from distrupting the rest of a classroom.
“Some professors will tell you that the only dumb question is one you don’t ask. I’m telling you that there are dumb questions - don’t ask them.”
Slightly crazy much?
Professor: Half of you didn’t do the assignment. I can’t believe it! You used to be my favorites, and now… I’m furious!
The other half of the class: We did the assignments!
Professor: I don’t care! I can’t believe you guys! I should murder you all! I have an axe out in my car. I should go get it, and chop you up into tiny bits.”
Class: *disturbed silence*
____
(The following week the professor is rambling about how he payed for college)
Professor: I wasn’t supposed to get a tuition waver, but the kid who had been chosen over me died…
Me: Was he murdered with an axe?
Professor: …Wouldn’t that be disturbing if he was because I said…? *realizes a week later that his threats weren’t probably appropriate and could get him in trouble* *pales* Moving along…
The age 60 or over sorority
Psych professor: “And STDs—”
Talkative student: “Did you know STDs are a real problem in the nursing home?”
Psych Professor: “Really? Old people are…”
Student: “It’s like a freakin’ sorority in there!”
[Class laughs]
Student: “Wait… That sounded really weird…”
Stupid is as stupid does
(The professor, who’s small in height is trying to reach the projector on the ceiling to turn it on.)
Professor: [Student], would you help me?
Student: “Sure. God didn’t make me smart, but he made me tall enough to be able to reach the projector.”
Professor: “That’s great!” [Awkward pause]. “About the helping… Not the God thing. Not that God isn’t… I meant your being stupid isn’t great, but… Not that you’re… Oh, never mind.”
Because it isn’t obvious at all
Professor: “But then one has to start to wonder, ‘Well, college students are people too.’”
Erase board artist
Teacher (scribbles something on board to illustrate lesson) - “So… this is my ghetto drawing.”
The literacy cop
Professor: “When was the last time you actually read a book—and not for an assignment, but just to read?”
Student: “In highschool.”
Professor: “How are you going to graduate college if you don’t read?”
The Percival Movie
After watching a 3 hour long film made in the 70’s about Sir Percival in Arthurian Legend. Words cannot describe the specialness of this film.
Students and Professor: [a few minutes of shocked, silent horror]
Professor: [clears throat] Well… that was … I don’t know if that was the most brilliant or… disturbing things I’ve ever seen.
Students: [still in shocked horror]
The universe is the Holy Grail.
“My wife always wants me to talk about our problems. I don’t want to, and she says, ‘Seriously?! You’re a communications professor’.”
“I mean, c’mon… The Clinton impeachment was a blast! Just like a frat party with interns and everything!”
Philosophy is intellectual masterbation.
